I am suppose to be a masochist. I have always enjoyed pain in the past. I don't understand why I have problems with it now.
I like to play hard. I always have. Rough..Hard...Brutal.
The difference being is that now I'm in a relationship where I am not in control, not even a little bit.
Could I be struggling with my lack of control? It's not a 'game' anymore?
I ache for a caning but I find myself tensing......maybe it's become to important that it be a 'good' scene. Once i tense.......i can't let myself relax into the sensation. That's what it use to be.....that's how I use to think of it. "Intense sensation" .. not pain.
Now it just tends to hurt :(
*sigh* I totally get you. I don't know what it is, either. Beloved got me to subspace once, but the next time he tried, he told me he was going to beat me until I cried...and I just couldn't! I took 522 hits, not counting the flogger, and I refused to give in to the tears... So, yeah...i am guilty of fighting for the tiny bit of control I do have...you aren't alone.
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